I’m not sure what’s going on with me, to be honest. I mean, maybe I do, maybe I don’t. I feel depressed. I feel unmotivated. I always thought I am just lazy, but I think this is something different. Maybe I’ve just had too much fun lately and am on an endorphin decline or something. Is that even the right thing? Do endorphins cause happiness? I’m even too lazy to look it up right now. I’ve had to deal with some difficult stuff lately, and it’s been harder to shake off this time around. Which is good, in this situation. I’ll just say it: I have a spending problem. I have a money management problem. I have a high expectations and low results problem. I have a carelessness problem. I have a laziness problem. I have a productivity problem. I have a failure to complete problem. I have a lot of problems right now, it is so overwhelming, and every where I turn, there’s something else that needs to be fixed. And I’m tired of it.
I have no motivation. I just want distractions. If I am left alone, I will spend endless amount of time switching between Facebook, Wikipedia, and reddit. And just over and over again. I will sit in front of my tv in my robe and do nothing, but scroll through channels. I will try to do something productive, but get distracted by something and just give up. I am going a couple of days without showering at a time. I am going quiet. I have not searched for new music in a really long time. I did it a little today, but ended up reverting back to the usual.
I just feel like I have no goals right now, nothing to really look forward to. Just peer pressure and societal pressure and pressure I put on myself and pressure I feel from my loved ones. I have things I need to get done, but I just don’t. I have things that are supposed to be happening this year, but I am moving so slowly towards accomplishing them. I need to save money to move out. I need money to pay tuition. I need to work on career skills and my resume and a website. I have ideas and ambition to do these things, but no motivation. It’s been weeks since my room has been clean. I have not blogged. I have not hooped. I have not done all of my laundry, only bits at a time. I’m not sure what I need to fix this. It is so hard. I know it’s as easy as “just starting” but what for? So I can do it all over again? I need changes in my life to motivate me. I’m at school for a whole nother 6 months, but I am so tired of it. I am living the same life and it has done nothing for me. I will have my degree but it won’t be anything spectacular. I won’t have any side projects to amaze people with. I don’t have any job opportunities lined up. I feel like I’m just going to end up with a grunt work job and won’t be any useful. I feel empty.
Of course I love my better half and my friends. I have been building better relationships with them. But I still don’t have a few people I can turn to. I turn to Nick a lot, but it’s going to start tiring him. My parents have enough problems and I want them to help me, but right now we all need to help ourselves first.
I’m just not sure where to find the motivation. I just don’t feel right in the head or heart right now. I won’t do anything dangerous. There’s things I need to complete and I will get done. It’s just so hard when I’ve put myself in a cycle of things I don’t want to be happening. It’s so hard to get out. I just need a couple of big life changes to happen so I can feel better. But those come with time. And all I know now is I have to be changing my habits. That’s one thing I can work on, building better habits. But I am so scared to start and don’t understand what the future will be like once I do.
Maybe I should talk to someone. Someone who has been through what I’m going through and can relate. Give me something, anything, even if it is little, to motivate me. I don’t want to be this boring, lazy, unmotivated, anxious, emotional in a bad way person anymore.