I’ve been sitting on my couch, doing nothing. Watching tv, witnessing other people do things, but I have accomplished nothing. Why am I so distracted? Watching other people’s lives, but not doing anything for my own. This has been a tough week. Talked to a friend today. Helped a lot knowing that others DO want to hang out with me. It’s a problem I’ve had since middle school. I do want to go out with friends, but never knew if they wanted to reciprocate. I really will try to reach out more.
Watching a tv show where this lady has an addiction to buying shoes. Maybe I will learn something. I don’t have a problem with specifically buying something, just spending money. I bought a few things at trader joes today. Did I need them? Am I completely out of food? No. I was just craving a certain meal and wanted it. Why do I feel like I need to give in? Why can’t I just settle with what I have? I got it from my dad. He hates eating the same thing over and over again. I enjoy meals. More than anything I want to be able to stop the cravings and be ok with just eating to satiate me. I want to eat less to have a slimmer and more healthy body. I am not sure if it will make me happier. But it’s always been something I’ve wanted and I’ve just never given it to myself. I don’t work out as often as I used to. I need to get back into it because it made me happy. I was seeing change in myself when I started swimming. In my body, and my energy, and my spirit. Going for a regular swim doesn’t seem to be motivation enough. I am trying to remember the motivation I had to actually take the swimming class. I want to take it again. Before, I didn’t know how to swim and now I do. I am very happy I can. Nick was very happy with me. It felt good pushing myself through something and seeing change. And I was able to help others as well. They weren’t as ready as I was. I was ready. I was ready because of the shame of not being able to swim. I want to swim more. But accessing a pool is expensive. And it’s hard to deny my wants because of financial limitations. And this very opinion I have for myself is why I have a spending problem. I don’t feel like it’s good for me to limit myself or restrict myself, so I spend money, thinking the things I buy will make me happy. But it’s not. When I am teaching myself something new, I feel good about it, but I think all the stress that is around me envelops me and I forget about the good feelings. I put good Sophie aside to feed bad Sophie. I am slowly realizing this. I want to be a better me. And now it’s starting to take a toll on my relationship, and I really can’t keep this going. It is the only good thing I have for me now. I can’t lose it. I’m terrified. He is my sweetheart, and has taught me so much, and I can’t lose a teacher, not now. He wants to help. He has taken all of my problems so much better than I expected. I needed this all my life and now it is finally here. I’m so terrified of messing this up, that I don’t focus on making it better. I need to really push myself to realize that this can be my motivation. I want to keep my relationship, so I need to take care of myself. I need to take care of my problems and show people I can be responsible. If this doesn’t do it, I don’t know what will.
I’ve been distracted a lot by trying to find ways to help others. It does make me happy, very much so, and I would like to find a future in it, but it is stopping me from helping myself. It is very hard to realize this. I have to be selfish sometimes.
Sigh, this was a tough one to write out. I will try to work some right now and get some rest.