Trying to find some inspiration

After a good run through of my feedly reader this morning, I’ve come back to that daunting feeling. I really should have a stronger blog and I want to create content. I think I have a good eye and really want to show what I know with the world. But how can I make it unique? Something that will draw readers, even if it’s just my close friends?

I would love to share a little bit more of my life with the world. I want to get better at writing and sharing and opening up. I’ve started playing around with the idea of buying myself a “nice camera” for a self-graduation present (even though I know I should be saving money, but I am planning this expense, should it should be good, and of course, after I pay off debts). I think it would be a great asset to my life, motivate me to be creative, because I think of myself creative, just don’t have a way to express it. I haven’t played with photography since high school, and I had a lot of fun with it. I am also going to New York City this May as a graduation/relationship trip with my main squeeze, and a new camera would make the trip so much better. I have started lurking r/photography for tips and ideas, and definitely looking to buy refurbished/used. I will try to do a WordPress Daily Post challenge to start with, with some of my favorite stock photography, I just need to push myself to do it! Why is it so hard to do something I actually WANT to do??? It’s so infuriating. I wish someone could tell me why. Is it fear of attention? Fear of not being able to keep up, so I just give up before I am even in it? Maybe. I know it’s ok to not post often, but I just want to post consistently. I always have ideas of what things I like to post, and what I find inspirational, just how to translate it is difficult. As I start diving into the job search, I think a blogging outlet to express my fears and anxieties and small goals will be very helpful. I know I can do this. I want to do this. Nothing should be stopping me. Just need to step up and get started!

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Little victiories

I’m all about the little victories these days. Made the first step by going to a Debtors Anon meeting. Considering going to a Underearners meeting tonight, but unsure. Did not spend money this weekend. Nick helped a lot. We organized our finances. Planned for the next few months. We are deciding to cut down on the trips and save for one big trip in May to NYC! This has given me a reality check, or a goal moreso, that there are things to look forward to. I have two main things I need to save up for, and I have no choice but to save for them. Summer tuition and NYC trip. I can do this! Woke up today on the earlier side, had a great morning routine, and danced to STRFKR while getting ready for the day. Reminding myself to take things one step at a time. I have a lot of goals, and if I don’t learn to work towards them now, when will I? I want them now. I want to exercise more and lose some weight. I want to read more. I gave myself a Goodreads goal of reading 25 books this year. And my little victory with that is I am a little further in reading Inherent Vice. On Chp 6. I saw the movie and I am liking the book. I even dressed up a little 70’s today. Little victories. Today I aim to eat healthy and go for a long walk or exercise. I also got my new hoops in! Pictures and video soon.

 

xx

Witnessing is easier than doing.

I’ve been sitting on my couch, doing nothing. Watching tv, witnessing other people do things, but I have accomplished nothing. Why am I so distracted? Watching other people’s lives, but not doing anything for my own. This has been a tough week. Talked to a friend today. Helped a lot knowing that others DO want to hang out with me. It’s a problem I’ve had since middle school. I do want to go out with friends, but never knew if they wanted to reciprocate. I really will try to reach out more.

Watching a tv show where this lady has an addiction to buying shoes. Maybe I will learn something. I don’t have a problem with specifically buying something, just spending money. I bought a few things at trader joes today. Did I need them? Am I completely out of food? No. I was just craving a certain meal and wanted it. Why do I feel like I need to give in? Why can’t I just settle with what I have? I got it from my dad. He hates eating the same thing over and over again. I enjoy meals. More than anything I want to be able to stop the cravings and be ok with just eating to satiate me. I want to eat less to have a slimmer and more healthy body. I am not sure if it will make me happier. But it’s always been something I’ve wanted and I’ve just never given it to myself. I don’t work out as often as I used to. I need to get back into it because it made me happy. I was seeing change in myself when I started swimming. In my body, and my energy, and my spirit. Going for a regular swim doesn’t seem to be motivation enough. I am trying to remember the motivation I had to actually take the swimming class. I want to take it again. Before, I didn’t know how to swim and now I do. I am very happy I can. Nick was very happy with me. It felt good pushing myself through something and seeing change. And I was able to help others as well. They weren’t as ready as I was. I was ready. I was ready because of the shame of not being able to swim. I want to swim more. But accessing a pool is expensive. And it’s hard to deny my wants because of financial limitations. And this very opinion I have for myself is why I have a spending problem. I don’t feel like it’s good for me to limit myself or restrict myself, so I spend money, thinking the things I buy will make me happy. But it’s not. When I am teaching myself something new, I feel good about it, but I think all the stress that is around me envelops me and I forget about the good feelings. I put good Sophie aside to feed bad Sophie. I am slowly realizing this. I want to be a better me. And now it’s starting to take a toll on my relationship, and I really can’t keep this going. It is the only good thing I have for me now. I can’t lose it. I’m terrified. He is my sweetheart, and has taught me so much, and I can’t lose a teacher,  not now. He wants to help. He has taken all of my problems so much better than I expected. I needed this all my life and now it is finally here. I’m so terrified of messing this up, that I don’t focus on making it better. I need to really push myself to realize that this can be my motivation. I want to keep my relationship, so I need to take care of myself. I need to take care of my problems and show people I can be responsible. If this doesn’t do it, I don’t know what will.

I’ve been distracted a lot by trying to find ways to help others. It does make me happy, very much so, and I would like to find a future in it, but it is stopping me from helping myself. It is very hard to realize this. I have to be selfish sometimes.

Sigh, this was a tough one to write out. I will try to work some right now and get some rest.

unmotivated

I’m not sure what’s going on with me, to be honest. I mean, maybe I do, maybe I don’t. I feel depressed. I feel unmotivated. I always thought I am just lazy, but I think this is something different. Maybe I’ve just had too much fun lately and am on an endorphin decline or something. Is that even the right thing? Do endorphins cause happiness? I’m even too lazy to look it up right now. I’ve had to deal with some difficult stuff lately, and it’s been harder to shake off this time around. Which is good, in this situation. I’ll just say it: I have a spending problem. I have a money management problem. I have a high expectations and low results problem. I have a carelessness problem. I have a laziness problem. I have a productivity problem. I have a failure to complete problem. I have a lot of problems right now, it is so overwhelming, and every where I turn, there’s something else that needs to be fixed. And I’m tired of it.

I have no motivation. I just want distractions. If I am left alone, I will spend endless amount of time switching between Facebook, Wikipedia, and reddit. And just over and over again. I will sit in front of my tv in my robe and do nothing, but scroll through channels. I will try to do something productive, but get distracted by something and just give up. I am going a couple of days without showering at a time. I am going quiet. I have not searched for new music in a really long time. I did it a little today, but ended up reverting back to the usual.

I just feel like I have no goals right now, nothing to really look forward to. Just peer pressure and societal pressure and pressure I put on myself and pressure I feel from my loved ones. I have things I need to get done, but I just don’t. I have things that are supposed to be happening this year, but I am moving so slowly towards accomplishing them. I need to save money to move out. I need money to pay tuition. I need to work on career skills and my resume and a website. I have ideas and ambition to do these things, but no motivation. It’s been weeks since my room has been clean. I have not blogged. I have not hooped. I have not done all of my laundry, only bits at a time. I’m not sure what I need to fix this. It is so hard. I know it’s as easy as “just starting” but what for? So I can do it all over again? I need changes in my life to motivate me. I’m at school for a whole nother 6 months, but I am so tired of it. I am living the same life and it has done nothing for me. I will have my degree but it won’t be anything spectacular. I won’t have any side projects to amaze people with. I don’t have any job opportunities lined up. I feel like I’m just going to end up with a grunt work job and won’t be any useful. I feel empty.

Of course I love my better half and my friends. I have been building better relationships with them. But I still don’t have a few people I can turn to. I turn to Nick a lot, but it’s going to start tiring him. My parents have enough problems and I want them to help me, but right now we all need to help ourselves first.

I’m just not sure where to find the motivation. I just don’t feel right in the head or heart right now. I won’t do anything dangerous. There’s things I need to complete and I will get done. It’s just so hard when I’ve put myself in a cycle of things I don’t want to be happening. It’s so hard to get out. I just need a couple of big life changes to happen so I can feel better. But those come with time. And all I know now is I have to be changing my habits. That’s one thing I can work on, building better habits. But I am so scared to start and don’t understand what the future will be like once I do.

Maybe I should talk to someone. Someone who has been through what I’m going through and can relate. Give me something, anything, even if it is little, to motivate me. I don’t want to be this boring, lazy, unmotivated, anxious, emotional in a bad way person anymore.